So I had a fight with this guy tonight. This guy that has been the root of all my problems since the dawn of time apparently. And I could smack him… A brief history though.
I’m from a small town. Smalls towns are notorious of misogyny. It’s sad but it’s true. And it took me moving to a city and making some fucking incredible lady friends to realize I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS CRAP FROM NO MAN WOMAN CHILD OR LLAMA.
So, tonight, when this guy said to me “if you were a guy friend you’d appreciate that” you can understand that I flipped.
I flipped hard.
I did barrel rolls I flipped so much.
And I could have punched through a wall. Or a piece of paper. Or a llama (no llamas were hurt in the making of this rant). The thing of it all is…
1. I’ve slept with this guy. We had a thing. I really liked him. He said No way Jose, and we all went back to being friends. Which has been complicated. To say the least. Oh and he was my supervisor at work! Hahaha! Fun.
2. The thing I was suppose to appreciate as a “guy friend” was a picture he sent me of a girl whom he has FEELINGS for. ME. The girl he turned DOWN. Looking at pictures of girls he LIKES. Yes people, what a nice fellow you must be saying. You’re thinking, hey I wanna meet that guy. I’m sure you do. I’m sure you do.
3. The reason he sent me the photo is because he said “If you saw her you’d want her too”. There are multiple things wrong with that statement. For starters, I do not base my judgement of women entirely on looks cuz hey, it’s the 21st FUCKING century and this girls look are not her only value. Secondly, though I sometimes am attracted to women (I’ve deemed myself heteroflexible) I’m not really interested in looking at women he’s into, I also know we have different taste in women from him doing this in the past.
4. And on the note of him doing this in the past, I’ve told him not once, not twice, not three times but FOUR. FOUR freaking TIMES to NOT send me pictures of women he’s interested in because it’s weird. It’s weird because they don’t know, it’s weird because I’m not sure what kind of response he wants from me, and it’s weird because it devalues these women to their looks alone and by participating in his games I’m devaluing them as well. And that’s something I refuse to partake in.
I told him before he sent the picture I would really prefer he not send the picture to me. I explicitly said do not send me the picture. Then when he did and I told him it was weird and I was about to ask that he please start respecting my wishes he concluded that if I was a DUDE seeing her would be my top priority. Well apparently his idea of dudes are douche bags, and apparently he’s forgotten I am neither a dude nor a douche bag.
So I chewed him out. Because dear world… I’m worth more than that. I’m worth more than being diminished as a person because I don’t have a fucking penis. I not wanting to see photos of women has nothing to do with the fact that I have a vagina, it has everything to do with the fact that we’ve slept together, I had feelings for you, and I really don’t need to see another picture of a girl who has no intention of sleeping with you.That’s what it comes down to… that my feelings matter less than his search for self validation.
And that makes me sad. It makes me sad that I can mean so fucking little to someone I care so much about. And it once again makes me the fool.
I know the world isn’t fair. I know times are tough and things get hard and it ain’t easy growin’ up. But you think you could get a little kindness form someone you’ve given everything too.